How Meditation Helped me Quit Smoking
Addicted
Like everyone who’s ever been a smoker or is currently one, I’ve had an “it’s complicated” relationship with cigarettes. I look back at pictures from the past few decades, skinny little thing in a mini skirt, on my red scooter, a little cig hanging from my lips. Dancing on the beach in a white dress, accessorized by a pack of smokes & a bright pink lighter in my hand. Teaching my friends yoga on cape cod, a beer and Marlboro light in hand in tree pose. As one does, I started smoking because I thought it was cool and all my friends were doing it. The bonding experience you have with a fellow smoker is like non other. And so, at 22, many wonderful friendships and a horrible habit was made.
Smoking for me was 50% relaxation, 50% stress inducing. I didn’t always feel great after smoking them, but I suppressed that reality because I was, you guessed it, addicted AF. Even if I didn’t want one, my brain would say “oh, you’re having coffee, gotta light up.” “Oh, something pissed you off and you don’t want to deal with it, must light up.” “Oh, you’re walking from your car to the building, time to light up”. And so, without even knowing, the automatic response & triggers took over.
not the first time…
I celebrated wins with cigarettes, and I smoked through the hard stuff. I smoked like a chimney when my dad was going through chemo. I chain smoked during his funeral, and went through pack after pack the year after his death.
I’ve tried to quit several times, to inevitably fall back into the grips of the triggers and automatic responses. This past time wasn’t planned. There was no count down to a birthday or new years or anything. It just happened, about 6 months ago, and I wanted to write about how and why this time has stuck.
living mindfully
As you know by now, I’m a huge proponent of meditation. I’ve written about its benefits and have incorporated as many mindful techniques into my day to day life. I was lucky to join a community of incredible women in an intensive 8 week mindfulness course, and came out of it with new tools that have changed my life. One of the many things I’ve taken from the class is the idea of asking yourself why. Why do you feel the need to keep talking when you’re nervous. Why the need to say hurtful things. Why the need to interrupt a heartfelt story. We were taught to mindfully listen, walk, eat, stare into one another’s eyes (that’s besides the point, but let me tell you it takes a LOT of willpower and mind control to do that for 2 strait minutes).
I started incorporating these questions in my day to day. So, why the need to smoke? Along with the course, the questions and intense readings, we were asked to meditate daily. What meditation does, in a nut shell, is allow your brain to slow down. To focus less on your thoughts and more on your gut. It allows you to notice instead of react. It allows you to notice that internal voice instead of falling victim to it. It answers the why.
slow motion
One morning, I noticed my body move towards the cabinet where I keep my pack of Marlboro slims. Perfect mug of coffee in my hand, birds chirping outside, the ideal equation for my first morning cigarette. But it was like it was all moving in slow motion. The normal urge that usually pulls me strait to the pack slowly turned into a case by case scenario. It wasn’t the usual
I NEED A CIGARETTE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT I’D DO IF I DONT HAVE ONE RIGHT NOW - ——> Smoke ——> sweet relief i’m safe and all is well in the world.
but
I feel the need to have a smoke —-> find pack of smokes in my bag ——> flick the lighter, put the flame to the tip of the cig ——> inhale & exhale ——-> i’m safe and all is right in the world.
What used to be an automatic response to a .5 second reaction was now in slow motion. What meditation had done was allow me to become aware of my thoughts instead of immediately act on them.
avoidance
Not only did meditation allow me to truly notice the process of the present moment as an observer, it also allowed me to be in the moment without distraction. Cigarettes allowed me to not face what I was feeling. To avoid any discomfort. Tension in the body? My good friend Malboro is gonna prompt me to breath deeply, exhale with a sigh of relief, and I’ll go my merry way. If I dont feel better, I’ll smoke another one until the anxiety subsides. Cigarettes let me release whatever drama and bullshit my ego was feeding me. I noticed that meditation had stepped in and did that for me.
my fellow smokers
I think of the smokers I know who struggle with it, the same way I did for over a decade. Throwing the outcome into the future, thinking they’ll be stronger tomorrow than they are in this moment. The thing is, the second you want to change something for the better, the ego is screaming “BUT your life will flip upside down if you don’t have this right now. You cant change your life, you cant have control over this, this is what you know well and you like it, so stay here!!!”
And so, we stay there. We listen to that voice, and light up.
Through out our lives, our thoughts have kept control over us. Through meditation, you take back the control. Meditation literally slows that shit down. You see it, you feel it, you hear it. You have the actual mental clarity and space to just notice and go about your fabulous little day, not smelling like an ashtray, not standing in the snow freezing your fingers off.
it hasn’t been an easy road
Don’t get me wrong. This hasn't been easy. This has been incredibly difficult and I still miss the habit every day. There is nothing better than sitting at a cafe with a well deserve glass of red wine after a long day and lighting up. When I’m tempted, I take massive deep breaths. I put my fingers to my mouth with a fake cigarette (I know, so lame), close my eyes, and let it go. Truly. I’ve come to terms with the face that I ma have to do for the rest of my life.
As difficult as its been, I know it doesn’t have control over me. I am stronger than that addiction, and mediation helped me see that. Give it a shot. You’ll hear that loving inner voice, you’ll notice you're incredible inner strength and you’ll realize you have total control over everything in your life.
Xx
Liz
