triggered AF.
My new favorite word is “trigger”. It encapsulates everything I’ve been feeling my whole life, but never had the word for it. Before this word, I’d have a reaction to something and no clue as to why. I’d feel the walls cave in. I’d hide, (nap), avoid (scroll insta) and numb (donuts). Something would happen, a feeling would wash over me and I’d react accordingly. Does this sound familiar at all?
Self development is such a bitch. Its addictive and great, exhausting and frustrating. I’ve read the books, watched the youtube videos, listened to the podcasts, had the conversations. Sometimes you hear shit and its in one ear out the other and sometimes it just sticks. Emotional Trigger was everything i was looking for, and now i use the word all. the. time.
“An Emotional Trigger is a response to a person, situation, event, dialogue, reading, film, or other content providing entity, that provokes a strong emotional reaction. Often we are not self aware when we are triggered, and fall into reacting prior to sifting through our strong emotional response.”
Violence triggers me. The sound of gum chomping triggers me. Speaking in public triggers me. Being called “Elizabeth” triggers me! It sparks a part of the subconscious mind, connecting the current moment (the news, gum popping, public speaking) to a part of your mind, forcing you to react. And you respond accordingly. You tense up, you get a headache, avoid, hide, numb.
I now understand why I still act like the moody asshole teenager when I’m around my family. Triggers. I understand why I get nervous around large crowds. Triggers. Why I procrastinate, overeat, complain. The more I delve into this topic, the more I realize how much effort I put forth AVOIDING what will trigger me, without even knowing. Hello comfort zone! More on that in another post.
As we know, the universe likes to help us out, always having our back. It also likes to challenge us, knowing the exact moment to make a move, that will teach us a lesson whether we like it or not. Most of the time, not. I write about this now because I was triggered HARD recently. Someone I admire and appreciate made it clear that they didn’t feel the same way about me. And that is perfectly fine. I respect it. It’s not the point.
My conscious mind, my 34 year old confident self with wonderful friends literally scattered around the world, knew this isn’t a huge deal. This does not a game changer and it will not effect the trajectory of my life whatsoever.
But guys. That 11 year old incredibly sensitive, incredddddibly emotional little girl made a fucking scene. She was triggered and it wasn’t pretty. For several days it was all I could talk about with friends. I scanned every encounter we had, went through old messages and analyzed anything that could have gone wrong, could have been misunderstood.
It took over every thought. I felt it in my body. It spiraled and domino-ed. What did I do wrong? I never do anything right. What can i do to make it better? How can I prove myself to you? Please make me feel worthy. Triggereeddddd.
I’m not kidding - these were the thoughts that made their little way to my head.
“The strengths that have helped you to succeed are also your greatest emotional triggers when you feel someone is not honoring what makes you special. When your brain perceives that someone has taken or plans to take one of these important things away from you, then your emotions are triggered. You react with anger or fear, then you quickly rationalize your behavior so it makes sense. You may lose trust in the person or situation. You may lose courage or react in a way that could hurt your relationships in the future.”
Luckily, as it happened, I knew. “I’M BEING TRIGGERED BY THIS AND I’M TOTALLY AWARE OF THAT”. After allowing the mental spiral to take over, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized this current version of me isn’t the one feeling unworthy, asking for approval, begging to make it better. Its the girl who was ditched by her group of friends in the 6th grade, who is still, to this day, healing. Friendly with all of those girls now IRL, I will never forget the pain, confusion and self esteem issues that caused. It wasn’t happening again, but it sure are shit felt like it. The fear, the walls caving in, the ingrained habits of avoiding, numbing, running away, all that shit just flooding back.
No matter how much self development work I’ve done, its incredible to know that these triggers still exist and effect us in such drastic ways. I guess the universe felt the need to teach me a little lesson. To show me what kinds of things I can still work on, heal, send more love to.
