A blog about overthinking
"Don't think about it. Be about it."
The first quote I heard that got me right in the heart but made no sense. On a post-it since 2009.
I’ve never really thought about thinking and yet, I think a shit ton. About things I want, about things I don't want. About the things that bother me, about my next action. About what that person over there thinks about me. About how silly I must have sounded or looked in class this morning. I analyze, try to fix, label, judge, think think think think.
Thinking, to me, is a no brainer. What i’m realizing is that it requires a fuck ton of energy and is mentally exhausting. But I keep doing it, hoping that some magic thought will take over all other thoughts, and my brain will relax. And i can just be.
Welcome to the yoga world, where you are taught to quiet the mind, focus on your breath and listen for your inner guidance. Until then, however....
I’ve been doing a LOT of thinking for a very long time. Thinking and feeling coincide, especially for someone with very low self esteem. Does that feeling of dread come from that negative thought? Or does that crappy thought cause the feeling of anxiety? Should we take the time to learn from this? Should we analyze and reflect?
Journaling is great for this. Setting a timer to do this is key, but keep it at 20 minutes cause then your whole day is a heavy, exhausting, thought induced shitshow.
Because of these questions, I've read all types of self improvement books. All about empowering myself, loving my Self, how to live my best life. I listen to podcasts about the same thing. I read blogs about it. I follow instagram accounts dedicated to it. And as I’ve noticed that my brain is on overdrive, I’m literally thinking my way through life.
On the flip side, I’ve always been an incredibly sensitive person, wearing my emotions on my sleeve at all times. I share too much in conversation with friends, with strangers who will listen, with my yoga students. I have cried in public more times than i can count. When I’m angry, you can tell. When i’m excited, i’m that crazy 34 year old lady jumping up and down like a kid.
I know my emotions well, and tend to react to them almost immediately. My whole life I've assumed I'm feeling it, but in reality, I've been reacting. I've labeled “happiness, nerves, anxiety, excitement” and ta da! my brain takes over. I'm don't truly FEEL them, I react, I analyze and I dig into my pile of tools to ‘fix'.
Feel anxious? Get present.
Feel stressed? Get grateful.
Feel sad? Read a book about someone who's had it worse
Feel happy? Am I worthy of this happiness right now?
Feel uncomfortable? You have anything you could possibly want, so get comfortable.
The ego is our little friend that wants us to just stay put. To shut out any growth, any hard questions, any difficulty in the self improvement process. I believe that there is a lot we can learn on the other side of our emotions. Thoughts are like a wall that cut us off from our connection to our higher Self. That intuition, that inner voice that is only spoken through heart, not through mind. But its a lot easier to plop a big fat analytical thought on a scary message our emotions may be trying to send us.
What can you learn on the other side of our feeling?
This post was inspired by a recent conversation I had with a new mentor. I heard myself say “I keep reading book after book, listening to audible after audible, waiting for that one sentence to hit me like a ton of bricks, allowing me to just be”. She reminded me that no amount of reading will get me there. I wont stop thinking until I stop reading these self improvement books, lay off the podcasts and even social media. She recommended I read poetry. I hate poetry, but the point was to allow the words to evoke feeling. To allow said feeling. To just be present in the moment, no analyzing, thinking, filling the gaps, fixing the problems.
She loaned me a poetry book which I enjoyed reading under the sun on a deck, facing a creek running through a forest. Where I felt. I Enjoyed. I be-ed.
